Crying in H Mart: A Memoir by Michelle Zauner

‘Crying in H Mart: A memoir’ by Michelle Zauner is a an account of the Japanese Breakfast singer growing up mixed race in the US, experiencing the loss of her mother and the subsequent grief, then discovering her own identity and cultural heritage.

Michelle Zauner

Summarised from the blurb; Michelle Zauner grew up in Eugene, Oregon, the only Asian American kid at her school. Her mum had high expectations for her, and they also spent time together bonding, especially over food, in her grandmothers apartment in Seoul. As she carves out her own niche in life, working then gigging with her band and meeting her future husband, she begins to feel a disconnect from her family and heritage.

Her mothers terminal cancer diagnosis, when Michelle is 25, sees her start to explore her identity and background.

Japanese Breakfast

I started and finished this book before my holidays, so the fact that Michelle Zauner is the lead singer of the band ‘Japanese Breakfast’ is but a coincidence. Zauner apparently chose the name to juxtapose her own Asian heritage (she’s Korean) and American culture. ‘Japanese breakfast’ was something she felt was exotic, and might make people curious as to what it would entail. (My own Japanese breakfast sometimes consisted of whatever I’d grabbed from Lawson’s the night before - usually dorayaki, pancakes filled with syrup, washed down with a boss coffee. Definitely not exotic and I promise, the very last mention of my recent trip.)

I’m a sucker for dreamy shoegaze pop (any Alvvays fans out there?) so Japanese Breakfast had come across my radar a few times before. Most notably the track ‘Diving woman’ whose lolloping bass and intriguing lyrics (about the Haenyeo divers off Jeju island who harvest seafood via incredibly difficult freediving missions) caught my attention a few years back.

Mother

“Hers was tougher than tough love. It was brutal, industrial-strength. A sinewy love that never gave way to an inch of weakness. It was a love that saw what was best for you ten steps ahead, and didn't care if it hurt like hell in the meantime. When I got hurt, she felt it so deeply, it was as though it were her own affliction. She was guilty only of caring too much. I realize this now, only in retrospect. No one in this would would ever love me as much as my mother, and she would never let me forget it.”

Zauner has a complex relationship with her mom, especially in the early part of her life when there are a lot of heavy expectations on her. There is also a some natural rebellion too as she tries to find her own way in life, but it never derails their relationship.

Her own parents marriage comes across as quite toxic, and her relationship with her father is best described as troubled and complicated. I’ve read since that he wasn’t overly enamoured with his portrayal in the book.

Korean Food

I remember these things clearly because that was how my mother loved you, not through white lies and constant verbal affirmation, but in subtle observations of what brought you joy, pocketed away to make you feel comforted and cared for without even realizing it. She remembered if you liked your stews with extra broth, if you were sensitive to spice, if you hated tomatoes, if you didn't eat seafood, if you had a large appetite. She remembered which banchan side dish you emptied first so the next time you were over it'd be set with a heaping double portion, served alongside the various other preferences that made you, you.

I listened to ‘Crying in H Mart’ on audiobook when I was preparing my dinner, and I found myself nibbling away as my appetite increased rapidly. Zauners descriptions of food at times made me wish I wasn’t vegan (occasionally vegetarian, ahem), which is saying something, and I’ve started adding Kimchi to my meals as well. (Salted and fermented vegatables if you’re interested, and in my sheltered culinary life I’m only discovering it now. More spicy than it’s european cousin, sauerkraut.)

The last part of the book is particularly taken up with food, and it’s links with identity and culture. It’s about expressing emotions through cooking food, and sharing with family. I enjoyed learning about Korean food and culture throughout, it wasn’t something I knew much about. Definately another place in Asia that I’d like to someday visit.

Grief and Love

As a memoir it felt like this was very much a way for Zauner to process her grief over her mums passing, and express her love for her - she does this so well, and there are many moving passages.

There’s something raw and powerful about how she describes her grief, and it feels vital when she writes about it. There’s a real clarity to her words,

“Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.”

I think this might be a difficult book for some people to read in public, such is the authenticity in the authors writing. There were times it was certainly pushing my buttons. The passages in the book when her mother was dying, I found particularly affecting. Shit, I think you’d need to be a stone not to.

I haven’t personally experienced the grief that Zauner so eloquently describes, but I know that when I finished this book and went to visit my own parents, they both got an extra special hug.

The world is divided into two people: those who have felt pain and those who have yet to.

Audiobook

As previously mentioned, I listened to this on audiobook, read by Michelle Zauner herself. It made the writing feel even more intimate, and I especially felt that closeness she had with her mom. Sometimes I’m not sure about an author reading her own work, but this worked, and I enjoyed Zauners voice, its timbre. She does well to keep it together at times.

Conclusion

I also found ‘Crying in H mart’ interesting on how our relationship with our family, culture and identity changes as we get older. The author might be from a differerent background, but grief and loss are universal and I found it to be heartfelt and authentic. Big recommend.

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